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DON’T STOP, KEEP TRYING.

I have to get this message out there, is is sooooooo important. It’s one of the greatest lesson I’ve learned, particularly this last year and to be honest I follow it now in the same way as I routinely get up every morning.

DON’T STOP, DO NOT STOP your day and just doing, not only the things you need to do but the things you love.

Find joy in your ordinary, getting up at 6am is a blessing, eating the food you’ve cooked is to be savoured, walking the dog is an opportunity to feel the air in your face, the list can go on if you allow it to.

Not fulfilling every part of your being is nothing but damaging, its soul destroying. Ignoring how much is out there to offer you, the countless options, ideas, thought processes that make you think and behave in a alternate way. Why damage the very fibre of who you are now and your very own potential.

We always find an excuse, a reason why we shouldn’t do something, the primary reasons usually include the following:_

Too hard

Inconvenient

Uncertainty

No time and/or energy

It holds no promise of reward.

The list goes on and we will find a reason!!

I promise you, you keep trying, you place all your efforts into your tasks which seek to better yourself, the rewards will come naturally.

I have a really bad habit of having a list of things to do and mindlessly going through that list until its complete. Through the process, I do nothing new, my actions are habitual to the minor details. Guess what,  I’ve transformed into a robot that can flash a smile.  

So, recently, I made a conscious decision to not only enjoy my tasks while actually completing them but to do things outside my comfort zone, like jogging up that hill rather than walking it, painting & sketching, something I haven’t done in years, or just trying a recipe my mother cooked so I could re-create them smells and feeling of nostalgia in my own home. I do them things not for my son or husband, but selfishly for myself.

Why??? it makes me feel invigorated, like I can do anything, I don’t have boundaries or a formula for my life. Every day has the potential of me learning something new., finding a skill I didn’t even know I had and growing, so, now I have more strings to my bow & ultimately more choice.

In truth, I don’t even want to recognise the old me, she holds no interest for me. I’m far more excited with truly living each and every day, each moment and my own dreams, whether they lead to something or not. The point, I enjoyed today!!!

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Running ….Strength

I run.

Early mornings.

Out of the door.

Desperate to feel the wind, as it falls on my face.

My breaths of release.

Felt through my frame.

In gratitude.

Of my body.

Recovered.

Running.

In affirmation of the strength regained.

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Light

Guided by My light.

Light that pushes through the dark crevices of my mind.

To create a rainbow of colours.

As the colours dance through my soul.

Leaving it stained, enriched and alive.

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Girlfriends…..Sisters

My best friend, my sister in a different life.

Loved & adored by me.

Forever grateful for the moments we spent together.

Basking in each others company, exploring our characters & celebrating our differences.

We grew up.

She went to live her life.

As I did, mine.

I continued to love her from afar.

Allowing her, to spread her wings.

I suddenly stopped being a witness to her unfolding life.

And was forced to accept,

that i may never, during this lifetime, set me eyes on her face again.

Occasionally, I dreamt of meeting her.

Just so my eyes could lay upon her face, one last time.

And, she mine.

In witness of the love I still held for her.

With no hope of finding her.

I prayed for her safety, success & peace.

Allowing her to become a memory.

I passed her on.

In the hope the universe would be as kind to her, as it has been for me.

My sister.

My love for you, will never fade.

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Stillbirth

Dedicated to my daughter, Amaya who I birthed stillborn just short of 24 weeks.

Loved ones shy away from the trauma,

As I yearn it,

consciously, immersing my entire self into the detail of your dying birth,

In an unashamed attempt, to keep your memory alive.

During my current days.

Each day, a witness to the rising sun,

I crave you, cheated,

Without you, my arms ache.

Its a lonely place.

My mind.

Talk, they say, just for a limited time.

So we can all get on.

Will you listen, hear me, again ?

Or sit exhausted, tired of the same.

Devastated I have to leave you behind, as I live life.

With each laboured step,

and the intensity of a shattered mind & body,

as I desperately miss you with each passing day.

I try with tiny movements,

to rebuild, gain strength so I may really live again.

Yet in truth,

my reality remains,

a tortured soul, that periodically rises to be pacified again,

surviving with her memories,

tamed restlessness.

Which can only be settled by the joining of our souls.

But we need to wait,

So I can live a life worthy to be referred to you as your mother,

For the sake of your brother,

I will remain,

In the company of my miracle on this earth,

Joining you, only when my time here, is truly done.

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Frontline Workers

God chooses to remain,

With you,

Our silent angels,

Graced on earth.

Those,

of formidable spirit, strength & service.

As they lay offerings of love, hope & courage.

To us all.

In these times of need,

Our weakest days.

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Spouses / Partners / Significant Others.

OK I’m going to put this out. I am sure after reading this many of you will disagree with me and regard me as nothing short of a little unhinged.

Just some background information, so you get an idea of where I’m coming from.

I have been married since 2004, living together for 8 years prior marriage. It s a long story of differing cultures, religions and traditional families & parents.

We have experienced huge joy in our marriage but I am not going to lie, the first few years of married life were hellish for us, experiencing the loss of loved ones individually and as a couple which I still don’t think we have recovered from.

Then there was the financial aspect, us two against the world, sound familiar, well that was a feeling we shared for year in year out, trying to build businesses, a home and top that off with starting a family.

Needless to say there have been times when I have wanted to kick my husband out, whether I was so angry & frustrated with him & me for still loving him and wanting him in my life, that he would drive me half crazy.

Many years later, being married for the past 10 years plus, I realised it was time to be brutally honest with myself and him.

Why have I been expecting him, an individual, in his own right, to make me happy. Why did I think that we need to be so closely intertwined. Is it really a necessity for him to feed my emotional well-being, propping me up, or am I not solely responsible for that. I’ve finally accepted complete responsibility for that, its all on me. I chose this relationship, the marriage and the continuation of it. I chose it as an individual, because thats what I wanted and still want.

There is no reason on this planet that my spouse as an individual, should not behave in a manner that benefits him entirely, to be totally selfish just as I typically am, in my decisions. True, there are many occasions that I consider the needs of my family but that shouldn’t be at the detriment of myself. It’s a false belief to think that our individual needs to be sacrificed for the sake of the family as a whole to benefit.

It’s delusional and just not true, the family is enhanced, if we just fully accept our individual characteristics and develop them so that we are the very best of what we can be. Not only will we as individuals feel fulfilled & excited to see through our days, but our children, as witnesses will forge forward knowing they are not reliant on a spouse, partner or anybody else, for their own happiness.

So strip it away, find your core and that of the person you choose to be with and celebrate it. Let them be selfish, let them dream and pursue their life choices rather than tying them down to rigid expectations. Only YOU can optimize your life to a point that your reaching for your dreams, feeling alive in everything you do, experiencing success, joy and basic peace of mind that you alone have achieved what you envisioned for yourself and your life. Why wouldn’t you want that for someone else, especially someone your supposed to love, unconditionally.

The reason for me writing this piece is simple.

There is only one chance at life, there is no test run, this is it !!! Why would anyone be responsible for another individuals unhappiness for the satisfaction of themselves, under the cloak of a certain relationship, especially when no one benefits from it.

So, I have been practising exactly the above. Give me some time and I will let you know how it’s turning out.

Oh and if you was wondering, the above extends to our kids !! I know that’s an even more difficult one. Move to my Parenthood post !!

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Pathways

Life doesn’t always give us the opportunity to follow paths we choose.

Were regularly presented with routes not knowing where they lead.

Our perception is that these journeys will be littered with difficulty, asking too much of ourselves!!

Sitting in my chemo chair in 2018, I was all smiles even though I intrinsically hated every minute of what was happening to me. Yet there, in my gut, I knew that there was a plan for me and ultimately this was MY journey.

Our life experiences offer such intricate insights, forcing the essence of our Beings to new unimaginable heights. They, whether it be in all their glory or despair, determine our stories.

So rather than being fearful, worried & anxious, I’ve learnt to wholly accept, the good and the bad. Staying focused, calm & positive throughout has allowed me to take each day, each experience with confidence. Chemo, ill health, as well a littered number of lives little experiences, have repeatedly taught me that, however difficult it may seem, its all good, even the events regarded as bad.

I will come through having experienced the real fullness of my life.

At the end of each experience theres’ an undeniable realisation that its all just a process, a period of adaptation and commitment to something initially un-welcomed, unwanted but ultimately rewarding, rather than just a struggle!!

From one to another, I do hope that whatever your path is, you find the rainbows that await you and taste the sweetest joy of knowing how capable and talented you truly are.

There can be no rainbows without the clouds, i know its cheesy but it is a natural fact that i feel is important to relay to you all.

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The Ordinary, Every Day.

If you want to find true greatness, love & beauty.

Find it in the ordinary.

The silent details of each and every day.

As humans we always search and strive for more than we have, whether it be, greater wealth, a true love, talented children, a luxurious lifestyle etc. The list is endless.

We routinely and habitually forget, or choose not to acknowledge the blessings already afforded to us.

Our health, the love of our friends and family and the simple ability of being able to live our own lives, through certain choices, is a reason for celebration.

Appreciate the daily blessings each and every day will not only quieten your mind but give you the mental resource to expand your life into areas of complete and utter joy. So please, rather than looking outside, look into your own being, know who you are and what you have, I am absolutely sure, more of that beauty will naturally flow your way.

Its not easy to do, but I do feel it absolute necessary, in the interest of achieving a full, settled and happy life.

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Me, You, US ALL

My body, my JOURNEY,

My mind, my power,

My soul, my sanctuary,

My spirit, my saviour.