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DON’T STOP, KEEP TRYING.

I follow this mantra in the same way as I routinely get up every morning.

DON’T STOP, DO NOT STOP living your day to the fullest, just doing, progression in terms of not only the things you need to do but the things your soul pulls you to do, just trying.  

Find joy in your ordinary, getting up at 6am & being afforded another new day is a blessing.

Eating the food you’ve cooked is to be savoured.

Walking the dog is an opportunity to feel the air in your face and chat to locals along the way. The list continues if you allow it. 

Not fulfilling every part of your Being is nothing but damaging, its soul destroying. Ignoring how much is out there to offer you, the countless options, ideas, thought processes that make you think and behave in a alternate way. Why damage the very fibre of who you are now and your very own potential.

We always find an excuse, a reason why we shouldn’t do something, the primary reasons usually include the following:_

Too hard

Inconvenient

Uncertainty

No time and/or energy

It holds no promise of reward.

The point we will find a reason!!

I promise you, you keep trying, you place all your efforts into your tasks which seek to better yourself, the rewards will come naturally.

I have a really bad habit of having a list of things to do and mindlessly going through that list until its complete. Through the process, I do nothing new, my actions are habitual to the minor details. Guess what,  I’ve transformed into a robot that can flash a smile.  

So, recently, I made a conscious decision to not only enjoy my tasks while actually completing them but to do things outside my comfort zone, like jogging up that hill rather than walking it, painting & sketching, something I haven’t done in years, or just trying a recipe my mother cooked so I could re-create them smells and feeling of nostalgia in my own home. I do them things not for my son or husband, but selfishly for myself.

Why??? it makes me feel invigorated, like I can do anything, I don’t have boundaries or a formula for my life.

Every day has the potential of me learning something new, finding a skill I didn’t even know I had and growing, so, now I have more strings to my bow & ultimately more choice.

In truth, I don’t even want to recognise the old me, she holds no interest for me.

I’m far more excited with truly living each and every day, each moment and my own dreams, whether they lead to something or not. The point, I enjoyed today!!!

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Running ….Strength

I run.

Early mornings.

Out of the door.

Desperate to feel the wind, as it falls on my face.

My breaths of release.

Felt through my frame.

In gratitude.

Of my body.

Recovered.

Running.

In affirmation of the strength regained.

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Light

Guided by My light.

Light that pushes through the dark crevices of my mind.

Creating a rainbow of colours.

As they dance through my soul.

Leaving it forever stained.

Enriched.

The fibres of my soul, captivated.

Held hostage to my story.

And the spectrum of emotions as I have travelled through my path.

Still gloriously alive, in search of my future.

The rainbows lead me in hope of finding my joy.

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Girlfriends…..Sisters

My best friend, my sister in a different life.

Loved & adored by me.

Forever grateful for the moments we spent together.

Basking in each others company, exploring our characters & celebrating our differences.

We grew up.

She went to live her life.

As I did, mine.

I continued to love her from afar.

Allowing her, to spread her wings.

I suddenly stopped being a witness to her unfolding life.

And was forced to accept.

I may never, during this lifetime, set me eyes on her face again.

Occasionally, I dreamt of meeting her.

Just so my eyes could lay upon her face, one last time.

And, she mine.

In witness of the love I still held for her.

With no hope of finding her.

I prayed for her safety, success & peace.

Allowing her to become a memory.

I passed her on.

In the hope the universe would be as kind to her, as it has been for me.

My sister.

My love for you, will never fade.

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Stillbirth

Dedicated to my daughter, Amaya who I birthed stillborn just short of 24 weeks.

Loved ones shy away from the trauma,

As I yearn it,

consciously, immersing my entire self into the detail of your dying birth,

In an unashamed attempt, to keep your memory alive.

During my current days.

Each day, a witness to the rising sun,

I crave you, cheated,

Without you, my arms ache.

Its a lonely place.

My mind.

Talk, they say, just for a limited time.

So we can all get on.

Will you listen, hear me, again ?

Or sit exhausted, tired of the same.

Devastated I have to leave you behind, as I live life.

With each laboured step,

and the intensity of a shattered mind & body,

as I desperately miss you with each passing day.

I try with tiny movements,

to rebuild, gain strength so I may really live again.

Yet in truth,

my reality remains,

a tortured soul, that periodically rises to be pacified again,

surviving with her memories,

tamed restlessness.

Which can only be settled by the joining of our souls.

But we need to wait,

So I can live a life worthy to be referred to you as your mother,

For the sake of your brother,

I will remain,

In the company of my miracle on this earth,

Joining you, only when my time here, is truly done.

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Frontline Workers

God chooses to remain,

With you,

Our silent angels,

Graced on earth.

Those,

of formidable spirit, strength & service.

As they lay offerings of love, hope & courage.

To us all.

In these times of need,

Our weakest days.

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The workings of our minds.

Life & Love

The purpose of my life:-

“To love and be loved with a open heart”

“To make the most of all opportunities that life has to offer, including those events that are categorised as bad, difficult and damaging.”

One thing I am sure of, as time passes, we evolve with the lived experiences, bringing us to our truth, through the feelings felt and the knowledge learned, as we journey through life, collecting little fragments of treasure along the way.”

I will live my daily life in acknowledgement of exactly that & I know for sure, it will save me from the noise and clatter of monotonous day to day living, allowing me to see and feel what is truly, worthy of my time & effort. The hidden beauty, even in the hardship.

Individually, it is my choice whether I choose to appreciate and savour the truths that I come face to face with. Whilst I live out my various roles on this planet, whether they be easy or difficult to cope with in the moment.

Invariably we, as humans opt for suppression of those feelings, awakenings and whispers, hushing & denying all there is to be learned, through a range of our experiences. Sheer normality at one end of the spectrum to the most difficult times we need to gather all our energy just to navigate, getting through, regarded as a hurdle to something better.

Pay attention, the something better is here, right now, staring you in the face, hoping that you will just appreciate each & every aspect of your lives, from the ability to wake, walk & feel the air in your face, to having loved ones surround you & just being able to see and touch their faces, or the freedom to cook and eat exactly what you desire.

They are all our daily miracles, the tiny miracles that culminate to lives being truly lived with open hearts and minds.

Wonderful day to each of you.

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Spouses / Partners / Significant Others.

OK I’m going to put this out. I am sure after reading this many of you will disagree and regard me as nothing short of a little unhinged.

Just some background information, so you get an idea of where I’m coming from.

I have been married since 2004, living together for 8 years prior marriage. It s a long story of differing cultures, religions and traditional families & parents.

We have experienced huge joy in our marriage but I am not going to lie, the first few years of married life were hellish for us, experiencing the loss of loved ones individually and as a couple which I still don’t think we have recovered from.

Then there was the financial aspect, us two against the world, sound familiar, well that was a feeling we shared year in year out, trying to build businesses, a home and top that off with starting a family.

Needless to say there have been times when I have wanted to kick my husband out, whether I was so angry & frustrated with him & me for still loving him and wanting him in my life, that he would drive me half crazy.

Many years later, being married for the past 10 years plus, I realised it was time to be brutally honest with myself and him, so we could both move forward in a healthy manner.

Why had I, for so many years, been expecting him, an individual, in his own right, to create and sustain my happiness.

Why did I think that we need to be so closely intertwined. Was it really a necessity & a justified expectation for his daily habits to include those that fed my emotional well-being, propping me up, or was I not solely responsible for that, as a grown, capable adult. Surely, my life, future was and is all on me.

I chose this relationship, the marriage and the continuation of it. I chose it as an individual, because thats what I wanted and still want.

There is no reason on this planet that my spouse, as an individual, should not behave in a manner that benefits him entirely, whether them decisions encompass my happiness is a decision for him alone. Same stands vice versa.

True, as women we argue that we naturally and habitually consider and opt for choices that are required to fulfil the needs of our families, but that need not be at the detriment of ourselves.

It’s a false belief to think that our individual needs to be sacrificed for the sake of the family, as a whole to benefit.

It’s delusional and just not true, the family is enhanced, if we just fully accept our individual characteristics and develop them so that we are the very best of what we can be. Not only will we as individuals feel fulfilled & excited to see through our days, but our children, as witnesses will forge forward knowing they are not reliant on a spouse, partner or anybody else, for their own happiness.

So strip it away, find your core and that of the person you choose to be with and celebrate it. Let them be selfish, let them dream and pursue their life choices rather than tying them down to rigid expectations. Only YOU can optimize your life to a point that your reaching for your dreams, feeling alive in everything you do, experiencing success, joy and basic peace of mind that you alone have achieved what you envisioned for yourself and your life. Why wouldn’t you want that for someone else, especially someone your supposed to love, unconditionally.

The reason for me writing this piece is simple.

There is only one chance at life, there is no test run, this is it !!! Why would anyone be responsible for another individuals unhappiness to the satisfaction of themselves, under the cloak of a certain relationship, especially when no one benefits from it.

So, I have been practising exactly the above. Give me some time and I will let you know how it’s turning out.

Oh and if you was wondering, the above I’m extending to my son !! I know that’s going to be an even more difficult process. Move to my Parenthood post !!

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The workings of our minds.

Diamonds

Droplets of water hanging precariously from a tree, just like diamonds. Both waiting to be adorned.

Visualise it, just for 2 minutes, out of your hectic days. Take your mind to that clear, calm space and imagine just how beautiful the water twinkled clinging on to the branches of a tree.

Hopefully it will bring you back to yourselves just for a moment.

The ability to do that is always there, no matter how busy or pulled you feel to continue in whatever task your absorbed in, just for a matter of minutes, silence your mind and go back to YOU.

It will alleviate stress, fear and daily frustrations, all the while, allowing you to realise that you are much bigger than your tasks or schedules of your day.

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The workings of our minds.

Hope

HOPE in YOU…….. Always there, waiting for you to acknowledge & access it.

Usually it just takes a mental shift to turn an issue upside down, view it from a differing perspective, a different angle and suddenly it feels possible to process, experience and pass through, whilst remaining relaxed, focused and determined.

I know for some, these are just words. It really depends how you choose to interpret my words & indeed the events in your lives.

The image above is me, being introduced to my chemo chair for my first session. That morning I selected clothes that made me smile, wearing my new bob with confidence, knowing that my hair would only stay with me, now for a short while, once all the drugs kicked in.

Sure, I was nervous as hell, but I had no choice, I had to do this, not once, but repetitively. So I decided to manage it and incorporate it into my existence as if it was a visiting friend who had no real love or loyalty towards me.

As I sat on that chair and waited for the nurses to put a needle in my arm so that they could infuse me with the poison that chemo drugs are, I took 5 mins, just for myself!!!

I transported my mind to a place where I was able to breathe again, to remember who I was, the power, dignity & grace of little me. I purposefully fell into myself and my calm space, fully accepting the circumstances and truly believing that I was fine, I would be fine, I would find my way out of this. Who knew if I would be a better version of myself, as long as I was alive, it was all good.

I believe that during those minutes I decided exactly how I was going to tackle this illness, slowly, one baby step at a time, with knowledge, clarity & calm.

I was lucky to have the support of so many wonderful people including strangers whose kindness and love made me feel so humbled to be in their company, quite literally taking my breath away in gratitude & awe of them.

I still had to endure the chemo and subsequent radiotherapy, as gruelling as it was my survival tactic was to always take myself to my safe space. It has altered the long term mental affect treatment has had upon me to the extent that my endurance level to experience & overcome hardships has heightened. Essentially I’ve developed into someone in control of all that I experience, chosen or not.

MY HOPE —-its there, all the time, sitting in the depths of me waiting to be accessed. It was & will always be choice whether I choose to incorporate it so it affects the experiences of my life.

I choose HOPE every time, without hesitation. I want to smile each and every day a smile that comes from the depths of my Being whether shits happening to me or not.

SO for all of you that are going through some difficult, traumatic experience, I hope that this message reaches you, so you may be able to breathe and draw some comfort from the knowledge that there is always HOPE in You just waiting, ready to shift your perception, if you just choose it.

Draw upon it, use it, allowing it to change your personal experiences of events you really have no control over.