OK I’m going to put this out. I am sure after reading it many of you are going to disagree and think I am nothing short of a little unhinged.
Just some background information. I have been married since 2004, living together in sin for 8 years prior marriage. It s a long story of differing cultures, religions and traditional families & parents.
We have experienced huge joy in our marriage but i am not going to lie, the first few years of married life were hellish for us, experiencing the loss of loved ones individually and as a couple which i still don’t think we have recovered from. Then there was the financial aspect, us two against the world, sound familiar, well that was a feeling we shared for year in trying to build businesses, a home and top that off with starting a family.
Needless to say there have been times when I have wanted to kick my husband out, whether I was so angry & fustrated with him & me for still loving him and wanting him in my life, that he would drive me half crazy.
Then it hit. This is many years later after being married for the past 10years plus and acted out on numerous occasions like a spoilt child expecting a shower of affection, love and attention, all rolled into one on a daily basis.
Why have I been expecting him, an individual in his own right, to make me happy. Why did I think that we need to be so closely intertwined. Is it really a necessity for him to feed my emotional well-being, propping me up, or am I not solely responsible for that. I’ve finally accepted complete responsibility for that, its all on me. I chose this relationship, the marriage and the continuation of it. I chose it as an individual because thats what i wanted and still want.
There is no reason on this planet that my spouse as an individual, should not behave in a manner that benefits him entirely, to be totally selfish just as I typically am, in my decisions. True, there are many occasions that I consider the needs of my family but that shouldn’t be at the detriment of myself. It’s a false belief to think that our individual needs to be sacrificed for the sake of the family as a whole to benefit.
It’s delusional and just not true, the family is enhanced, usually not by choice, if we just fully accept our individual characteristics and develop them so that we are the very best of what we can be. Not only will we as individuals feel fulfilled & excited to see through our days but our children, as witnesses will forge forward knowing they are not reliant on a spouse, partner or anybody else, for their own happiness. So strip it away, find your core and that of the person you choose to be with and celebrate it. Let them be selfish, let them dream and pursue their life choices rather than tying them down to rigid expectations. Only YOU can optimize your life to a point that your reaching for your dreams, feeling alive in everything you do & ultimate success, joy and basic peace of mind that you alone have achieved what you envisioned for yourself and your life. Why wouldn’t you want that for someone else, especially someone your supposed to love, unconditionally.
The reason for me writing this piece is simple.
There is only one chance at life, there is no test run, this is it !!! Why would anyone be responsible for another individuals unhappiness for the satisfaction of themselves, under the cloak of a certain relationship, especially when no one benefits from it.
So, i have been practising exactly the above. Give me some time and i will let you know how it’s turning out.
Oh and if you was wondering, the above extends to our kids !! I know that’s an even more difficult one. Move to my Motherhood post !!